Wednesday, September 01, 2004

The Bush / Kerry Debate - Lapham style

Leftist journalists have a time machine by which they can travel to the future, it's called a Lapham-drive and one sits on the ground floor of the Harper's magazine offices while the other is in the sub-basement of the NY Times. On occasion I have visited the offices and see a long line of journalists waiting their turn to get a head start on an article or beat a tough deadline. Conservative commentators haven't had access to such technology, but thanks to the Special Activities Centre at Langley the conservatives will now have access to a Lapham-drive time machine. It hasn't been named yet, but sits forlornly underneath the Vice-President's residence at the Naval Observatory where its noisy construction caused the VP's neighbors no little consternation.

I've been given the distinct honor of being the first conservative blogger to travel in time to the future and I have chosen the occasion of the first Bush/Kerry debate. I'll admit that I get sea-sick, airsick and car-sick and hope there is no motion involved. In some ways I feel a bit like a red shirt in a Star Trek episode. However, strange and wonderful conservative and media technologies are at work here and I can't miss such an opportunity. Wish me luck.

Posted by SDAI-Tech1 1:30 AM

I have returned! Traveling through time was completely painless! The debate was (will be?) unbelievable - beyond description. I've got a recording of the event which is being transcribed even as I type these words.

Posted by SDAI-Tech1 1:45 AM


LEHRER: "Welcome to the first of three presidential debates. I'm your moderator for this event and Tom Brokaw isn't. (Applause)

The Daughters of the American Revolution, an organization you only hear about every four years and which has no other purpose, so far as anyone has been able to ascertain, has sponsored this debate. The candidates will not directly answer each other's questions and are not really required to really answer mine definitively either. The rules have been set up and agreed upon in advance that each candidate will have five minute blocks to score as many points with voters as possible.

The audience is composed of socialites and neophytes favorable to both candidates and those so inclined may spend time ascertaining who's who and what pecking order they have within the respective political parties of the candidates. Let us begin.

Senator Kerry, you won the coin toss backstage and you will get to hear the first question this one is from a reporter in San Diego.

'If you are elected President, how soon will you repeal the Patriot Act and bring our boys home from Iraq? Many want to vote for you but want your assurance that you will not continue US imperialist doctrines.'

You have five minutes."

John Kerry: "That's a very good question and one I have hoped to be able to address. We need not go it alone. There are lots of people out there who share my views, folks who live in all corners of the world and who live under many types of governments. The US is not an island. I'm a new type of soldier and I'm reporting for duty. I will not lead us recklessly into wars on the basis of false intelligence and will always consult the global community so that we need not do anything unilaterally...we should do things U.N.-ilaterally" (applause)

Lehrer: "So to repeat the question how soon will the Patriot Act be repealed and how soon would you bring the armed forces, presently in Iraq, home?"

John Kerry: "I support a stronger homeland. A land where everyone can work if they have to. I am tough on terror. Tough! We need a Stronger America. But we need not go it alone. As you may know, I have been endorsed by the leaders of many foreign nations, including Chirac of France, Schroeder of Germany and George Soros, the leader, by proxy, of a large number of third world nations. I also am endorsed by Syria, Iran and North Korea which will help me bring peace to the Middle East and negotiate with North Korea. Bringing home the troops is a goal I support and if we don't go it alone the troops will be able to come home much faster. So to reiterate: don't go it alone anymore; Tough, stronger and supported by Soros and the international community of nations. I'm a big supporter of Soros idea to form a third world G8 to end the wests strangle-hold on capital. The US doesn't need to be the big boy on the block. Soros and I have chatted and let me tell you, that man has a lot of good ideas, the repealing of the Patriot Act has been discussed. Soros would surely place prominently in my administration."

Lehrer: "Time, Senator."

John Kerry: "Thank you."

Lehrer: "Mr. President here is your first question. It is from a reporter in New York.

'Why did you lie to the American people about Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, encourage torture at Abu Ghraib and invade and terrorize an innocent people in the largest imperialist land grab of the twenty-first century, defying the will of the global village, creating hatred of America unlike anything ever seen in our two hundred twenty nine year history and do all this while conceding defeat on the so-called 'war on terror' to Matt Lauer?'

You have five minutes."

President Bush: "Well...I didn't lie, our intelligence indicated that Iraq was still concealing stockpiles which had gone unaccounted for. No one in my administration endorsed what took place in the Abu Ghraib and the facts bear that out. I don't really care what other people in other nations think about the US or my job performance because I work for the American people and not for the peoples of these other nations. I never conceded defeat on the war on terror, I simply tried to explain it was not a conventional war with a winner and a loser. Terror never dies, but rather it dies out. We can make it less acceptable and take away the rewards that other nations-

Lehrer: "Time Mr. President."

President Bush: "--grant when they capitulate to demands of terrorists."

Lehrer: "Senator Kerry, your next question comes from a reporter in Miami Florida.

'What were your feelings when George Bush was appointed to the position of President by the Supreme Court and how will your campaign team prevent the intimidation of voters by incredibly complex computer machines which frighten Floridian seniors and discriminate against voters who haven't the ability to operate computers?'

John Kerry: "I was deeply disappointed as were many people that tragic day. Having been sent into Cambodia in 1968 to intimidate locals with complex weaponry for the US government I think I can sympathize with those Floridian seniors who will be oppressed by complex computer machinery. When I have toured Florida, in Dade County I saw the same haunting and incomprehensible looks in the eyes of residents as I saw when I was in Cambodia on Christmas eve committing war crimes for Uncle Sam--so I can fully sympathize with these voters. If I become President I would sign a bill to outlaw these new-fangled contraptions and make fair paper balloting a compulsory standard throughout all the states."

Lehrer: "President Bush, the next question is from a reporter in Seattle.

'In your four years you have presided over an endless destruction and raping of our environment, supervised and instituted national policies that ensure global warming, ridiculed scientific predictions and poisoned mother nature herself as if she were gagging and begging for mercy while you strangle her. My question is this--how bad does doing these evil, evil things make you feel and have you no shame whatsoever?'

President Bush: "Jim, is this a real question or are you just having fun with me?"

Lehrer: "The question is very real Mr. President. You still have 4 minutes and 40 seconds to respond."

President Bush: "I deny all those charges and I don't feel bad at all about my record in regards to the environment. We instituted reform which helped promote cleaner industries while others could purchase pollution-

Lehrer: "Time, Mr. President."

President Bush: "You've got to be kidding me."

Lehrer: "No, by my watch 5 minutes has elapsed. Mr. Kerry the next question comes from a reporter in Los Angeles.

'If you could pick a favorite season and color what would they be? I'm certain they would be better than those of President Bush, but I would like to hear in your own words what your favorites are.'

John Kerry: "I was born in the 'west wing' when I was just a baby. During the fall season of my very first year, I watched, from my crib, as the green disappeared from the leaves which turned orange, red and the few which turned purple, and it was then that I knew that I was destined to be President. As a result, I have always loved the fall season and am partial to both green and purple. First green was my all-time favorite color and then purple."

Lehrer: "This is the final question and is for President Bush from a reporter in Boston.

'When exactly did you plan the 9-11 attacks to facilitate the looting of Iraqi oil and is it true you destroyed records which demonstrate you are descended from the Hitler bloodline?"

President Bush: "This is ridiculous. We did not plan the 9-11 attacks and I have no relation to Adolf Hitler and there never were such records."

Lehrer: "Thank you both for participating. My name is Jim Lehrer and I wish everyone a good night." (applause)

NOTE: This is a Laphamized article. Time-space continuum distortions may provide each reader with a slightly different reality.

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