Monday, December 20, 2010

Finding Balance

Shayla looks at me and I remember when I first saw her in her silver flight suit. She was Chief Scientist for Project MIMIR and reported to Odin and oversaw the alien activity working with the Earth, specifically the US Government. She singlehandedly helped develop my telepathic abilities and brought my consciousness to a whole new level. When we traveled to the Iranian desert to secure the flame room the Travelers left behind, after less than 24 hours I was certain she was the one I would be spending out my days with. But within 8 months she was recalled to her world and I flopped around like a fish out of water for the first few weeks and then I threw myself back into my work and accepted that my pasts constantly involve break-ups and lots of loneliness.

I don't know what I expected, I found out she and I had some pasts together where we were very close and I guess I would have liked to go with her when she returned. But she never asked me to join her and she was always surrounded by other guys from her world who made me look like the village idiot. I hated that. You'd think after all I had been through I would be used to that, but still somewhere deep down it really bothered me. Earth and humanity has never presented any serious development, intellectually, and I realized I was just another mentally lazy byproduct of the Earth environment. I could never change that. I was always playing catch-up. Now that I've been with Yal-hune, interacting with her level of development, intellect and ability and even have had my consciousness and portions of my human brain "activated", by Confederation technology, parts which generally remain dormant - I am finally comfortable with my development around Shayla. I know she never biased it - but I did. Somewhere the gnawing insecurity (and more than a few eager overshadowers) were whispering that she returned to her world because I wasn't really good enough for her.

After a few months, I told myself it was good that she left. That she was taking up too much of my valuable time. That the Earth didn't need any aliens and that we were more than capable of handling our own affairs. Yet our relationship had left a very real barrier that now stood between me and every human woman I've ever loved. Tech7 was the first to feel my new distance and aloofness. I know my distance hurt her just as much as Shayla's hurt me - and I still have yet to make it up to her.

Seeing these parallel universes, future lives and the beings I have been or will be with has left me a mess. I feel like a creature in a zoo - the only one of its kind. I don't quite fit with humans and I don't quite fit with aliens. I don't fit in 2010, nor the past or the future. I'm in that netherworld and that is the price I pay for seeing what I see and knowing what I know. With great knowledge comes great responsibility, awareness - and in my own case - a roller coaster ride of equal parts ecstatic love and bitter loneliness.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this all right now...or perhaps I do. I guess seeing my daughters face disappear sort of snapped something inside me.

Do me a favor. For those of you reading this who have children - don't take them for granted. Give them as much love as you can - and more. Enjoy every moment you have with them. Don't be stingy with the kisses - because some day you'll face a day in your life when you realize you will never see them again.

Life is about finding balance. And right now I am ready to try and find some solace for my soul.

"Shayla...I would really like to take a vacation. How about you and I go visit some other world some place far away."

Shayla has been listening to my mental rant and the tears are still in her eyes. She grabs my head in her soft hands and pulls my face towards hers. She kisses tenderly. And with this kiss I know she understands and feels everything I have been thinking about.

"Let's go to the navigation room and see if we can schedule our vacation."

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