Into the Time Machine Again!

I couldn't help but notice the fabric of time-space was coming apart when Kerry was declared the winner of the first debate by a majority of viewers. I raced over to the Naval Observatory where the now infamous Lapham-Drive time machine sits and went into the future to see if Kerry had indeed become President.

I brought back a newspaper from my arrival date: November 12, 2005.



Yes. It's true. Kerry wins. We've moved into a different parallel time-stream where the US is impressed by Swiss diction and Europhilia sweeps the world. In this new parallel time-stream Michael Jackson is exonerated of all charges and gets the "Sexiest Man Alive" award from People Magazine for 2006. Kerry and Chirac are jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2006. Other exciting dramas will occur, but I don't want to spoil them.

(Hint: If you haven't had kids yet...don't. It won't be fair to bring them in now only to be killed in what will become an unending series of terrorist attacks on the US mainland. Attacks which will be dubbed "sKerry attacks"