Monday, July 16, 2007

Harry Potter Dies! (And Other Surprises)

The new Harry Potter book will be released upon the world in a few days time and everyone wants to know if Harry Potter, the world's most profitable sorcerer, will survive.

The answer is...he dies. Yes, Harry Potter dies! In his death is the redemption of his parents deaths and the countering of Voldemort's evil.

I'm not a big fan of the J.K. Rowling books. Poorly written, quasi-plagiaristic and way over-hyped, the end of Harry Potter will be a relief. Bookstores and publishers will sorely miss Harry and his money generating spell. I will not.

How did I find out this juicy information? Is J.K Rowlings cell phone used as a listening device to spy on her? No, the governments resources are not so frivolously expended. I merely performed a bit of real magic of my own to secure the answer.

Everyone has a personal frequency. Human thoughts are broadcast as steadily as one of your local radio broadcasters. With your radio you can pick up the signals of the local transmitter, but your mind has the ability, when developed, to receive an infinitely more expanded frequency range.

So with a bit of fine-tuning the reception, ol' J.K. broadcast the ending to me personally. Here it is:

Lord Voldemort: "Harry your parents were trying to protect you from me after I placed part of my soul in you."

Harry: "Noooooooooooooo! I don't believe you!"

Lord Voldemort: "C'mon Harry get real. My name is Voldemort you know what that means don't you? Didn't Dumbledore or any of those Hogwart nitwits force you to learn foreign languages?"

Harry: "Umm. No. We have been learning spells on defending us from the dark arts and playing Quidditch most of the time, actually."

Lord Voldemort: "My mistress, and yours, used a bit of eurotrash hodge-podge when creating us. My name is a Dutch-French hybrid. Volde in Danish means inflict and Mort in French means death. My name means "inflict death" therefore I must kill you."

Harry Potter: "Wow. Your mother must've really suffered during childbirth to give you such a name."

Hermione: "I'm finally here Harry. I've got your back!"

Ron: "And I'm here too Harry. I've got Hermione's back. And oy! What a lovely back it is too!"

Harry: "Leave! If you stay our mistress may be tempted to kill one of you off instead of me or Voldemort here. Oh, and remind me to enroll in a school that actually teaches foreign languages after this is all over!"

Hermione: "I wont leave you in your moment of need Harry! Besides, my elementary school already did teach me some useful things before I got to Hogwart's. One of them was Greek mythology. I'm named after the daughter of Menelaus and Helen. Menelaus was one of the Kings of Sparta and Agamemnon's brother. Helen was abducted by Paris and started the Trojan war. I've already determined that my presence merely acts as a catalyst, and like Helen, I'm the spoils to go to the victor."

Ron: "Uh, was there a famous Ron in Greek mythology?"

Hermione: "Oh you wonderful dolt! You're clueless. You are Harry's best friend. That makes you the betrayer. Your infatuation with me could prove fatal. Did you read any Shakespeare?"

Ron: "Shake-a-who?"

Hermione: "You know, most Muggles your age are smarter than you are! In Mid-Summer's Night Dream , Hermia is promised to Demetrius but she flees with Lysander and Demetrius really loves someone else anyway. Harry doesn't really love me, isn't that right Harry?"

Harry: "Um. Yes. I do not love you Hermione. I like to have you around because you're twice as smart as me and can help me get out of trouble."

Ron: "Bloody brilliant! You mean I have been tip-toeing around all these years waiting for you to make your move on Hermione, and you don't even love her? What an idiot you are! And I am! Heck I almost hope Voldemort 'inflicts death' upon you."

Lord Voldemort: "Stop it! Stop it! Who can think with all this childish prattle and bickering! My Mistress is speaking to me! Her wish is that I should kill..."

Harry: "Aaarggghhh the pain. I see clearly now! My name is Harry Potter. A potter works with clay and molds it into a vessel. My character is merely a vessel made to carry money to my mistress. Once my job is fulfilled I am of no use. I must die!"

Hermione: "I will miss you Harry. Well, not really. You never loved me and are pretty much of an idiot."

Ron: "That leaves you to me then!"

Hermione: "Are you kidding? You're twice as funny looking as Harry here. You're Agamemron."

Ron: "What happened to Agamemnon?"

Hermione: "After the long Trojan war, and adventures with weird creatures, Agamemnon makes it back to his wife who betrays him, loves another, and he gets killed"

Ron: "What! You mean you don't love me? I'm going to die?"

Lord Voldemort: "He catches on quickly doesn't he Hermione dear?"

Harry: "Ooh disgusting! You mean..."

Hermione: "Yes, Voldemort is twice, no...six times the man you are Harry."

Ron: "Like bloody heck I'm letting Rowling kill me off with Harry! I'm getting out of here!"

CRRRRACKKKKK BOOM! Voldemort makes a melodramatic hand gesture and a bolt of lightning strikes Ron and he disappears. We assume he has died, but in the world of record publishing royalties, such an assumption is probably premature.

Harry: "Rooooooooooooooooon! I'll kill you Voldemort! You're just the disgusting byproduct of Rowling's English-borne hatred of perverted Dutchmen and Frenchmen!"

Lord Voldemort: "Oooh do you miss your wittle fwiend wonnie? If I am merely Rowlings manifestation of her pent-up Dutch/French hatred, what are you? What does Rowling think of Englishmen who were raised in perverted youth academies? That's right! She has you living under the stairs. Translate the symbology Harry! Use that tiny little brain of yours!"

Harry: "People walk all over me!"

Lord Voldemort: "Uh huh..."

Harry: "My gosh, you're right. The muggles walk all over me, you walk all over me, Dumbledore walked all over me, Snape walks all over me...I'm a human carpet! Rowling hates Englishmen! My suffering is the suffering she wishes upon all Englishmen!"

Hermione: "Why that J.K. Rowling is an old, insolent, frumpy tart isn't she? We ought to do something about her."

CRRRRACK BOOM! Yet another bolt of lightning strikes Hermione and causes her to disappear.

Lord Voldemort: "Don't look at me, that way Harry. It wasn't me."

Harry: "I know. It was Rowling. She's just left you and me. Only one of us shall survive!"

Lord Voldemort: "I do so love J.K. Rowling! Her books are masterpieces of literature. So well written. Spectacular editing! Awesome alliteration!"

Harry: "Not nearly as much as I love J.K. Rowling's skills! She's a superlative! She's the best author in human history who deserves all the world's praise and money. Children should be forced to read her books in every school, in every language , in every land - and if aliens exist, they should be forced to read it too! She's far more impressive than Jesus - each carefully crafted word is a miracle"

Lord Voldemort: "Harry. No wonder you can talk to snakes. You are just as evil as I am. The part of me that lies in you, even now is trying to kill me by flattering our mistress. You are as spineless as a snake! You do this even after she has killed Ron and Hermione! She really does think so very little of Englishmen, doesn't she?"

Harry: "Aaaaaaaaaargghhhhhh. The pain."

Lord Voldemort: "I haven't done anything yet!"

Harry: "Yes, but I must snivel and complain, to please her! If you want to survive this book, you would do well to fulfill her expectations!"

Lord Voldemort: "But an Englishman cannot befriend a Frenchman or a Dutchman! Your advice dooms you! And I certainly cannot befriend you or anyone else!"

Two bolts of lightning strike Harry and Voldemort simultaneously. Both disappear.

SEVERUS SNAPE: "That's all folks. I tried to warn Harry and the others, but they wouldn't listen to me. It's all about J.K. Rowlings' neuros..."


A big bolt of lightning hits Severus Snape and he disappears like all the rest.


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